A Very Subjective Ranking of the Best Candy Heart Sayings

Crafts, candy, a kindergarten class size-worth of Valentine’s to go home with—if you ask me, this capitalist-driven holiday was much more exciting in the days of our youth. It was a day to look forward to, especially if there was a certain someone that made your heart flutter. (I so appreciate the innocence of a crush back in the day; nowadays, love gives me dread and I much prefer being a grumpy, lonely, existentialist 28-year-old). And it was probably in these early days of life where we were first introduced to…

The iconic box of conversation hearts! They show up around this time every year in cute little boxes and candy dishes everywhere. We spend weeks trying and failing to pass them on to friends and friends with kiddos. They linger long after the holiday has passed and then we do it all again the next year. Somewhere in between, we send pictures and memes of their lil messages to relevant parties, thriving on the ‘lols’ but never actually eating the candy. And while with any other product, we’d have gone in hard on a taste test, these guys lend themselves better to complete whim, sass, and subjectivity. Anyway, who doesn’t love a silly little ranking of popular products on the market?

So! The sayings on these Necco and Brach’s sweet treats are reviewed and changed every year to stay current, but the classics are just canon. According to a rep from Brach’s, the Queen Bee of Candy Hearts, “LOVE YOU” is America’s favorite conversation heart message, chosen by 50% of people surveyed this year. But did it make our list? Keep reading to find out!

Be True

Don’t tell me you drive a Lamborghini when you really drive a Honda Civic. Don’t tell me you’ve had Via Carota’s iconic insalata verde when you haven’t (tell me you haven’t, actually, so we have an excuse to try it together!). And don’t you dare catfish me. Be yourself!! That’s the only way to do it. 

BFF

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to just be for couples, people!! Make sure to show your friends the love, too. Friendships can stand the test of time, and I know my heart would be warmed if a pal tossed one of these at me. Maybe show your mom some love with it, too, or even the barista at your local coffee joint who’s memorized your order and never judges you for looking like you just rolled out of bed. Idk, just a thought!! You never know what could come from it…

LOL

I don’t know about you, but “lol” is a term I’ve come to use IRL, not just via text. It’s cute, it’s fun, it’s lighthearted, and even Boomers know how to use it these days. Context is important here, though. Is there anything worse than professing your love for someone and then having them chuck an “LOL” candy heart at your head? Play this card lightly, my friends. [Ed. note: Since initially filed, it has come to our attention that LOL may mean…”lots of love” in this particular context. We can find no evidence to support this, nor can we dig up any evidence to the contrary. Also related: Most of us are mid-to-elder millennials.]

GOAT

A rare exception! An update that works! Case in point? The GOAT option, which, as most of us know, translates to “Greatest of All Time.” Is it something I’d think to call a crush or partner? Honestly no, but maybe we should give it a try!

Call Me

It transcends generations. It’s simple and to the point: give me a call, won’t ya? More than it being simple, it’s also assertive and exudes confidence with two simple words—the energy we all need to bring to our lives (and relationships). Though young millennials and Gen Zers may be averse to picking up a phone call, there’s no doubt that one from a crush would get your heart racing. I know it would for me! Or it would, ya know, give me a total and complete panic attack.