I have never really understood the idea of “guilty pleasures.” As long as the thing you like won’t hurt anyone who doesn’t want to be hurt, have fun, I say. So, when I turned on Peacock on April 6 to watch a Hallmark movie that I wanted to see badly enough that I’d actually written it on my calendar… and then went on to watch three plus hours of the WWE’s wild Wrestlemania 40, Night 1 instead, I just leaned right into that shit.
I also watched Night 2, along with the pre-show and press conference afterwards. In the weeks since, I’ve watched every upcoming WWE event as it aired, and fired up pretty much every old PLE (premium live event) as far back as 2018. I’ve seen behind-the-scenes docs on events and wrestlers I hadn’t heard of until recently. I even tune in to Raw and SmackDown (which moves to USA in October) on a weekly basis. I’m serious about WWE, but still very new to it, so there are some weird wrestling things I just can’t stop thinking about when I watch. If you’ve had similar thoughts, well, you’re not alone…
Please Don’t Poop
Trust me, I don’t want to think about this, but there’s just an inordinate amount of squatting in the ring and it worries me, OK? Wrestlers like Drew McIntyre (who some think should face John Cena before he retires) squat to encourage their opponent to get up so they can knock them down again. They squat to taunt the other wrestler or sometimes to pin them and secure a win. I’m just always afraid there’s going to be a massive accident, because these events are all LIVE, you guys!
There’s a reason a thing called the Squatty Potty is popular; that position helps us go! Across all of the filmed wrestling events in the history of sports entertainment, someone must have pooped their tights unexpectedly, and I always fear I will see it happen live one day. And, no, I haven’t Googled to see who’s already pooped in the ring. I don’t want to know!
Why Is Everyone Wet Before They Even Wrestle?
Alright, “everyone” is an exaggeration, because it seems to apply only to men with long hair (EXCEPT for former Bullet Club member AJ Styles) and one woman with only sorta long hair, Shayna Baszler. But, so many of the men dump a bottle of water over themselves before heading to the ring, and while I asked long-time wrestling fans why it’s done, I’ve never gotten a good explanation for it.
I heard something about performers’ hair getting stuck to things if it’s dry, but if that were a factor all of the women with super long extensions would go out soaking wet as well, but none of them do. As mentioned, Mr. Styles (who has a full head of luscious auburn hair that sweeps a bit past his shoulders) is dry as a bone when he heads to the ring. If that explanation had any weight to it, he should constantly be getting stuck to stuff when his matches start…but he doesn’t.
Again: Why is everyone wet?!?!
I Wonder If That Ring Smells Really Bad
I know the ring isn’t enclosed, but it seems like it’d be ground zero for the BO of the ages. Some smells are just too entrenched; they don’t ever really leave. I’m sure they must clean the mat (The springy floor is the “mat” right? I don’t know all the wrestling things yet, go easy on me…) and probably travel with at least two of them just in case, but, you know. At least 30 people sweat on it several times a week. Much respect to the performers who work their asses off and risk their health and safety to entertain us, but most of them must smell like the devil when they get done. I really do think that particular eau de parfum would linger.
Do Wrestlers Call Each Other By Their Real Names Backstage?
A lot of these ring names are ridiculous, so I can totally see wrestlers not even really wanting to be called anything other than their government name backstage. But, what if your ring name is sorta like a real name a parent would’ve given you (a la Bayley)? Do you answer to both? Just one? Speaking of…
How Often Do Performers Forget Their Ring Name?
Most people don’t have multiple names that they go by. With the exception of the occasional nickname, if you’re not a con artist, there’s not one segment of the population that calls you Allen Jones, and millions of other people who only know you as AJ Styles (which at least vaguely sounds like it could be a real name).
Obviously, if a ring name is newly thrust upon you, it makes sense that you might forget it. What I want to know, however, is if these folks are ever just living their regular lives after years of being known by a specific professional name, have a fan call that name out, and they just totally blank on the fact that they’re being spoken to. It must happen, right?
Has a popular wrestler ever not boasted about how great they are during a promo? I feel like some fans would really connect to someone who humbly says, “You know, I’ve worked really hard and I’m pretty talented, but that guy’s huge. I don’t expect him to take it easy on me, but I am hoping to survive the match. Please pray for me.” Then they go on to destroy in the ring and seem genuinely shocked by it. I know I would love that!
How Does No One’s Pants/Briefs/Bra Top Ever Come Completely Off?
I am always so worried about everyone’s clothes. Not only do they tend to be skin tight, but relatively skimpy and they have to bear the brunt of tons of activity. Every time I don’t see an accidental boob, butt or private extremity I truly am stunned. Some of these moves seem to require actually grabbing the pants/briefs but they never just come all the way off? No one ever moves just the right (wrong) way to expose a whole cheek or some free-floating front-bottom part? Are these people taped/glued into their gear?!
Most Of These Moves Look Like They Hurt The Doer And The Done-To, Right?
The idea that landing on someone’s knees after jumping off the ropes nearly kills you, but that the person upon whose knees you land is A-OK after having possibly 200+ pounds of humanity forcibly bounced off of their tender shins is insane. It hurts both people. Full stop.
Launching Oneself Off The Ropes Onto A Target Seems Like An Impossible Math Problem
Whenever I see this I try to come up with the equation to solve for X and can never do it. And I don’t mean that I can’t solve the problem, but I can’t fully come up with the equation at all. Don’t they have to think about how much they weigh, how far away the target is and how many pounds of pressure to put on the ropes before jumping? How does no one ever jump too far/not far enough?
Is That Symbol On The Curtain From Gorilla Supposed To Look Like A Butthole?
The question and the above photo of the curtain that leads from Gorilla to the main part of the stadium says it all. Is it on purpose, so that no one gets confused about which way leads to the ring? Why a butthole and not, say, a giant picture of a gorilla?
Why Did No One Tell Me WWE Is Basically A Soap Opera With Awesome Fighting?!
I did have a period when I was a little kid where I watched wrestling, but I was stunned when coming back to it after many decades and realized how intricate and damn near Shakespearean some of these storylines are. Were they doing that in the ‘80s to this degree? I would have come back to it much sooner if I knew WWE was just like General Hospital, but with way more people-in-tight-clothes-having-awesome-fights!
It’s so nice having something as wild and fun as WWE to get immersed in, even if it does bring up some weird wrestling thoughts, which I’m sure I’ll continue to have all the way through when Monday Night Raw moves to Netflix.
You can catch all things WWE with your Peacock subscription.
